There was a time in my life when you would have never seen me in a bathing suit. I deliberately avoided all events that involved being in a bathing suit. But the worst part is, I really wanted to be part of the fun. I hated sitting out. But I truly believed that no one ‘wanted to see that’. That how I looked in a bathing suit was offensive to others. If I went to events requiring a bathing suit, I always made sure I was wearing something over top, to hide my bits. It took me forever to even be willing to wear a sarong.
I always wanted desperately to not have to think about how I looked, or to be constantly concerned about how to hide. Hide the hideousness that I felt was me. Sadly, there is nothing you could have told me to make me feel any differently. I will always carry her with me, that part of me.
I wish I had the compassion for myself back then that I do now.
I am definitely not 100% ok with how I look now- I still feel self conscious. I have moments when I’m in a store and I don’t fit any of the sizes. And there is a little part of my heart that feels sad, because I am responsible for me and my size. However, I no longer think that those things have anything to do with my self worth. I don’t spend every moment tearing myself down in my head.
I wish my younger self had been taught differently. But there is no point wishing away the past. Instead, I am thankful that my mindset has changed, and is continuing to evolve.
If my story could help even 1 person to change their truth, I couldn’t wish for anything more. To know their worth, to walk proud, to love themselves for exactly who they are in this moment. Because if I could, I would wrap my arms around my younger self and tell her that what she believes is truth is actually so far from what is really true. I could have saved my younger self so much pain. Change your thinking. Love yourself, please love yourself. And please, wear the swimsuit.
